Starting a story with a negative title such as this one might not be the greatest way to lure people in to read… But bear with me. I really think I can convince you that the phrases I’m about to discuss are phrases that a person should be allowed to say only once in their lifetime, if that.
Generally, I love phrases. And by phrases, I mean metaphors. A way of saying something that gets your point across in a more clever and understandable way than just stating it directly. However, there are some phrases, accurate as they may be, that when uttered make my neck scrunch towards my back in repulsion (similar to the way my neck reacts when someone tries to tickle me).
To get it out of the way, I’ll start with the first one.
1. Diarrhea of the mouth
No. Just no. I get it. I get what you’re trying to say. You can’t stop talking. Ha ha. But why. Why. Diarrhea and mouth. Why. Those words should never be that close together in a sentence.
I don’t care if you don’t imagine shit flowing out of someone’s mouth every time you hear this phrase spoken aloud, but I do imagine that. And I never want to. So can we all agree to stop saying this? There has to be a better way. In fact, there already is.
Motormouth is a phrase that already exists that literally means the exact same thing and does not involve diarrhea and a mouth. As a society… No, humankind as a whole, can we all please just convert to saying motormouth? Who even thought to switch from motormouth to DOTM? Whose brain works like that? I need to have a lengthy discussion with you. Actually, I want the opposite of a lengthy discussion with you. Oh, wow, looks like I’m really rambling here. I’m being SUCH a motormouth (see, I’ve already incorporated it naturally and it was that easy).
Okay, this phrase may not be super well-known. But it has stuck with me since I first heard it. It’s supposed to mean when you have a song or something else “stuck in your head.”
Friend: “I’ve got an earworm.”
Me: (Looking at friend in horror and confusion): “What song?”
Friend: “My Humps by Fergie.”
But all this phrase really conveys is that there is a worm stuck in your ear (at least for me, and since I’m the one writing this, that’s all that really matters!!!).
Worms inside anyone’s body in any way already horrifies me. But a worm in your ear is something you don’t typically hear about (though I’m sure one swift Google search would prove me infinitely wrong). My point is, sometimes people actually do have worms in their bodies, and as scary as that is, we do NOT need to be creating phrases that reminds us (or more specifically me) about this.
Solution: revert back to ONLY saying “stuck in my head.” Again, like motormouth, there’s nothing wrong with it and it already works perfectly without inviting ideas into my brain of someone yanking a worm out of their ear similar to those videos of people pulling snakes out of their toilets. Do you see what this phrase does? I’m talking about snakes in toilets.
3. Brain fart
I realize that this one might be a stretch. But this is another phrase I have never liked. There are so many easy ways to say you lost your train of thought other than equating a foul burst of air blowing out of your head.
I realize as I write this that none of these phrases are meant to be taken literally (that’s the whole point of a metaphor), but the positioning of the words in these phrases just will not work for me, ever. Farts and worms and diarrhea just should not be words that we’re using when talking about the body parts on our head. Sorry not sorry. Please disagree with me because I’m not trying to say I’m right, I’m just trying to show you why these phrases should never be spoken by anyone ever. So I guess I am trying to say I’m right.